I thought it would go away. It usually does, right?
"I'm just too tired, too stressed. I've been too busy. Or, I haven't been busy enough, haven't had enough activities, so that's why I feel this way. I'm just kind of sad right now, and it will end."
But if it doesn't? Does that mean I just didn't try hard enough to be happy? Does it mean I'll feel like this forever, because this is who I am now?
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You can't get out of bed in the morning until the last possible second, even though you are lying there half awake and you know another snooze or five isn't going to make this feeling go away. No, the snooze button does not automatically get you that rested feeling. In fact, nothing gets you the rested feeling anymore. Not 7 hours, not 8 hours, not 10 hours every night for two weeks. You don't seem to have a 'normal' amount of sleep that leaves you refreshed in the morning. You thought you weren't getting enough sleep, but more didn't help. So you thought you were sleeping too much and that's why you felt groggy and can't concentrate. You try sleeping 8 hours every night. Wrong. You feel the same. You feel worse. You didn't know it could feel worse.
You find yourself reading particularly sad stories on the internet. So-and-so who lost their house, then their dog was run over, and their son has cerebral palsy, but look at her smile! She's pushing through! She has it so much worse than you so snap the fuck out of it. Your life is a dream in comparison, stop being a whiny baby.
But those stories don't make you feel better. Actually, you feel nothing. Or, worse, you wish that you had a reason to be depressed, and that people were rallying around you and wishing you the best and sending internet smilies your way. You wish something terrible had happened to you, and your friends and family have set up a rotating list to bring you dinners and stop by to say hi. But you don't deserve that because your life is actually pretty great, so get to work, earn that pay check, and be damned thankful for the job. Make your own damn dinner, and more than cereal because people are counting on you and they don't like cereal for dinner.
You go to work. You come home. The dog stares at you, wanting a walk. You know you should. You know you made some excuse yesterday, and so you really need to take her today. But then, you think, if I just let her out for an hour, I'm sure she'll be fine. Some people never walk their dogs. Your dog is spoiled with the number of walks she gets! She'll be fine. Wouldn't it be better to lay on the couch and stare mindlessly at the TV? Or how about the internet?
You find a step-by-step self help program on your health insurance website one day while you contemplate making an appointment with the doctor. You decide that this will fix your problem. You get helpful advice about redirecting your bad thoughts. You read about how silly these thoughts are! Hahaha! So silly to think that others are judging you! Goofy to think about that thing you said and maybe that person will misunderstand and maybe that's why you haven't heard from them in weeks? Ridiculous to go over and over one small interaction with a near stranger while lying in bed at night not sleeping! Just stop that right now! This nifty little program has you fill out the same questionnaire every week, helpfully showing your progress. Look! Three weeks ago, you said you felt completely hopeless, but this week you said you only sometimes feel completely hopeless! Things are looking up!
Your partner knows that things aren't right with you, but also assures you it will pass. They are so supportive. This makes you feel like an even larger asshole. I mean, your partner works so hard and has so much on their plate, and when they walk in at 8pm and you whimper about dinner being so hard to make, there's really nothing to cook in these cabinets, I'm not hungry anyway so why don't you microwave some leftovers and I'll have a little cereal. But they say they understand. Secretly you know they can't possibly, because it's so much worse than you're letting on. And you have this wonderful person so why aren't you happy dammit?! Can't you clean the house for them? Can't you cook something besides pasta for them? Can't you just smile and be normal for them?
You go through the entire program on ending your depression, you lie a little on the last survey. See! You're better! And you read that thing about just smiling until it feels better, just keep laughing until you actually mean it. So it will go away, this last nagging sensation that you really aren't better. You tell yourself that this is being older, this is growing up. Life isn't perfect, everyone has to slog through their day, everyone considers getting back in bed at 3pm and just sleeping until the alarm goes off in the morning.
Everyone thinks about not pressing the brake as they approach the highway, because if you get in a terrible car accident it won't be your fault and all those terrible obligations will just disappear and...
Wait. That's not a normal thought. None of these are normal thoughts. None of this is normal behavior. This isn't you. And when the tears finally come, your whole body shaking with the realization that you can't think or act your way out of this, that's when you call a doctor. That's when you talk about all your thoughts and feelings, even the most terrible ones that no one should ever think. That's when you find out that the anxiety about getting out of bed in the morning is something you can get help with, real help.
Because it's okay to try an antidepressant. Hell, millions of people have. You are not alone. You don't have to feel alone. You are not weak, silly, or sad. You are depressed. This is a real medical problem, just like appendicitis, and it's okay, in fact it's fan-fucking-tastic, to get some help. This doesn't have to be you forever.
Really. Make the call and see a doctor and stop waiting for it to just get better. You are worth it.
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There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it
Artist: Avett Brothers
Song: Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise
Album: I and Love and You
